I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
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[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland