if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
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I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems