Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
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Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
why would tinder want me to say this
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.