FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.