me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
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I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”