The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
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‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19