[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
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[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place