*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
You Might Also Like
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Sharon I have some bad news
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon