Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
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Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Is anyone gonna tell them?