burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
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Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.