Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
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Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.