I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
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Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.