ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
can’t catch a break
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom