them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
You Might Also Like
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.