Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
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Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Cheer up.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I like long walks away from everyone
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
They must have gotten it to go.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit