*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
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I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Ken is short for chicken