Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
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“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.