u spoke cat all this time??????
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[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.