A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
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Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Basketball games are very squeaky.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?