“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
You Might Also Like
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.