finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
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My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.