*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
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If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender