The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
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I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”