Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
You Might Also Like
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Worth the read.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.