you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
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This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: Youâre burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where Iâm standing.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said âare you crying?â and a bunch of people started looking at me
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
plums roundup
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
i once worked with someone who told customers âsorry, itâs my first day!â any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: đŽ
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: Iâm gonna need you to try.
I guess writing âTo Whom It May Concernâ on the note of apology isnât the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
3-year-old: Daddy, I donât want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldnât find a dressing room at Costco.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Cliffordâs cousin
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I donât like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: Thatâs a window. Youâre staring at our gardner, Gary.
I love going to Costco and pretending like Iâve never tried the food theyâre sampling, like whatâs an âOreoâ
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days