The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
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I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.