Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
You Might Also Like
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day