If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
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You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me: