Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
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I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
c’mon!
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
*puts cutlery down*
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.