“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
You Might Also Like
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.