Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
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4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
the answer was staring at me all along
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture