The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
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Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Livid.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.