I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
You Might Also Like
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
me hooking up with my ex
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?