2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
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I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
i think both sides are to blame here
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Comparing yourself to others
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
how to have an accident 101
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Sex so good you see dead people.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.