I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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181.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Great game to play with friends
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.