-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
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Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
The Sun
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.