Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
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Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.