Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
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SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I love snow
– People who never shovel
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.