17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
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Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Check out the legs on this baby
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man