“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.