Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
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AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
True
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.