“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
You Might Also Like
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
the icebreaker
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0