Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
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So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Boom, boom, ching!
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
ugh not again
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store