They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
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When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I see your IQ test came back negative
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.