my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
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Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Growing out my freckles.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.