Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
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I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Baller is short for ballerina
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.