Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
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accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.