11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
You Might Also Like
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.