Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
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I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.