Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
You Might Also Like
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.